Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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