God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
