the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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