I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
