he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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