just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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