We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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