I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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