I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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