Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
