i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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