Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
