ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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