Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
