where am i from again
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm passing your future prison.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
