I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
