and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
