I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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