and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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