Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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