I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
