yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
