Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
