WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
