I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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