dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
