If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
