he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
