I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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