Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
