i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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