I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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