What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
