that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
