Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
