my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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