i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
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you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
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No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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