I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
