I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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