Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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