i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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