I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
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