I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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