K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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