I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Someone came in the potted fern
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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