when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
