Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
