I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
