I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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