i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
