What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
