I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
