....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
