I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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