I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
