I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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