i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
