Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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