there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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