is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
