shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
