she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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