Your dad touched me again.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
